TV recap - LOST: Recon

"Recon"

9:05 - Yumm! Sawyer sweaty and shirtless in bed. Is he back to con man ways? Oh wait, I'm sorry he works for the police. The man who never followed rules, broke the law and was a criminal is now a detective. Definitely never saw that coming. Damn Sawyer or should I say La Fleur looks de-lic-ious, shirtless with his police badge around his neck.

9:08- Love that Sawyer or should I say Detective James Ford and Miles work together. Their back and forth banter is hilarious. I also love that Miles is setting him up on a blind date. Will it be Juliet?

9:10 - Really Sawyer? You knew Flocke EL isn't actually Locke. So why were you all shocked when he said he was the black smoke thing and that he killed all the people in the temple. No one can do an angry stare like

9:15 - Ooh Detective Sawyer is setup with none other than Charlotte. This should be interesting. Oh Detective Sawyer only you could say "Do you have a whip" and have a woman find it cute, coy and charming. I'm sorry Charlotte since when did a purple folder look like a t-shirt. Come on now, if a hot guy like Sawyer and I got it on, didn't pull the "I have to get up early in the morning so ...." routine, cuddled and then asked you for a glass of water I wouldn't start rifling looking through a binder you found in his drawyer.

9:20 - Ahh a trip down memory lane, Sawyer and Kate's hot bear cage sex that Jack saw. Okay Sayid is really beginning to creep me out. In fact this BFTDS (Back From The Dead Sayid) is worse than the one who tortured people for a living. Now, is it just me or would Claire look a little less crazy if her hair didn't look like a bird's nest. Is it wrong that I cracked up at BFTDS's blank stare when Claire went all UFC on Kate and put a knife to her throat. Oooh Locke smacked Claire like a 1970s pimp smacks one of his women who talked back to him and owes him money.

9:25 - Every time I see Sheila Kelly I just remember her from Cameron Crowe's "Single" movie. You're the only who survived? Funny, how I don't remember seeing you on the plane.

9:30 - Burn! Miles threw out the "I'm not your partner anymore." I could totally start analyzing how the shattered mirror is a symbolization of Sawyer's childhood, heart, etc but I'm not going to.

9:35 - Did the con artist get a taste of their own medicine? Who is "Zoe?" Are they another set of "Others?" Are they new version of our infamous Ocean 815 plane crash survivors? Did they kill all those other people? Its the chubby, fat kid from "Kate and Allie."

9:39 - They work for Charles Widmore!

9:43 - Love it that Sawyer is drinking a beer, eating crappy frozen food and watching "Little House on the Prairie." Never would have pictured him as fan. Sunflower and a six pack, doesn't he know a way to a woman's heart?

9:53 - You don't know why you did that CC (Crazy Claire)? Because you've been living on the island for 3 years pretending a coconut was Aaron like you were Tom Hanks in Cast Away talking to Wilson (a vollyeball).

9:55 - Does Detective Miles still have his "I can speak to dead people" gift? Will this link Detective Sawyer to Locke? Since Locke's dad was the one who killed his parents.

9:57 - I knew it was going to be Kate! What is it with the two of them and fences or cages?

9:59 - Ahh there goes that con man we love to see and would love to go to bed with. Or is that just me? TMI? My bad.

Next week: Yes! Finally we learn why Richard is 500 years old but never ages, how he makes great eyeliner on the island and his connection to Jacob, the others, etc. This is going to be good.

I need to believe ...

that there is more to life than what is currently happening in mine. That this can't just be it. I have to believe that everything I've imagined, dreamed about, wrote about, fantisized about is possible. Because if it's not, if it's all lie I won't survive. I won't make it. Now, I know what you're thinking that I've being over dramatic, making mountains out of mole-hills. But I'm not. I'm being raw and honest and real. To which you respond with but look at you, you have your own apartment, your own, YOUR OWN apartment - something you thought you would NEVER have. I mean how many days and nights did you cry over living at home, dreaming for the day when you wouldn't be there in that hot, cluttered, stuck in the past, "since when did I join the cast of hoarders" apartment. You got out of there. That is not your own. This place, where you are now is yours. You're right. You're absolutely right. You're Ken Jennings right. But guess what I realized - this isn't all it's cracked up to be. This isn't everything I thought it would be. In fact, nothing has changed except my bank account, which has decreased dramatically. And you know what? My reaction to all of this, the reality of all of this scares the living shit out of me. Because I had expectations, huge, life-altering, red-carpet, "Price is Right" winning expectations about how my life would change once I finally got my own place. And you know what's happened? Nothing. I'm still friendless. I'm still lonely. I still feel fat. I'm still sad. I'm still alone and to make matters worse with tons of bills to pay. I've almost gotten to the point where I'm completely jaded about most things in life. I'm tired of living my version of the life I want through other people's eyes. I'm tired of seeing it so bright, clear and vivid like an artist and I'm not talking like a sketch or doodles. I'm talking the complete and finished project with the signature, in a frame and hung up on someone's wall. I'm tired of waiting and wanting for the life I want to begin. I'm not asking for me to wake up tomorrow and boom it's begun ... okay maybe I am but that's not going to happen. But if a piece of it, if some of the shattered pieces of my life, of me could just come together and form something, something tangible, something touchable, something real, something that I want that will lead me towards the next path or stroke of the life I want, the life I need then perhaps I won't continue to feel like I'm continually unraveling, drowning, struggling to stay afloat. I feel like I'm an understudy in my own life.

I have to believe that he is possible. That it is something I can attain and actually have in the flesh, grab on to it and never let go kind - not some ghost or a breeze that just passes me by.

I'm uninspired. I'm lost. I need to believe. I need to believe. I need to believe. I need to believe.