I need to believe ...

that there is more to life than what is currently happening in mine. That this can't just be it. I have to believe that everything I've imagined, dreamed about, wrote about, fantisized about is possible. Because if it's not, if it's all lie I won't survive. I won't make it. Now, I know what you're thinking that I've being over dramatic, making mountains out of mole-hills. But I'm not. I'm being raw and honest and real. To which you respond with but look at you, you have your own apartment, your own, YOUR OWN apartment - something you thought you would NEVER have. I mean how many days and nights did you cry over living at home, dreaming for the day when you wouldn't be there in that hot, cluttered, stuck in the past, "since when did I join the cast of hoarders" apartment. You got out of there. That is not your own. This place, where you are now is yours. You're right. You're absolutely right. You're Ken Jennings right. But guess what I realized - this isn't all it's cracked up to be. This isn't everything I thought it would be. In fact, nothing has changed except my bank account, which has decreased dramatically. And you know what? My reaction to all of this, the reality of all of this scares the living shit out of me. Because I had expectations, huge, life-altering, red-carpet, "Price is Right" winning expectations about how my life would change once I finally got my own place. And you know what's happened? Nothing. I'm still friendless. I'm still lonely. I still feel fat. I'm still sad. I'm still alone and to make matters worse with tons of bills to pay. I've almost gotten to the point where I'm completely jaded about most things in life. I'm tired of living my version of the life I want through other people's eyes. I'm tired of seeing it so bright, clear and vivid like an artist and I'm not talking like a sketch or doodles. I'm talking the complete and finished project with the signature, in a frame and hung up on someone's wall. I'm tired of waiting and wanting for the life I want to begin. I'm not asking for me to wake up tomorrow and boom it's begun ... okay maybe I am but that's not going to happen. But if a piece of it, if some of the shattered pieces of my life, of me could just come together and form something, something tangible, something touchable, something real, something that I want that will lead me towards the next path or stroke of the life I want, the life I need then perhaps I won't continue to feel like I'm continually unraveling, drowning, struggling to stay afloat. I feel like I'm an understudy in my own life.

I have to believe that he is possible. That it is something I can attain and actually have in the flesh, grab on to it and never let go kind - not some ghost or a breeze that just passes me by.

I'm uninspired. I'm lost. I need to believe. I need to believe. I need to believe. I need to believe.